I don’t doubt that he exists. No, I most certainly know he does. He has made it very clear that he does, and is paying a keen attention to my life…making sure I am miserable at every turn. The blood-thirsty hound, systematically taking away everyone and everything I ever loved and cared about. He is definitely All-Powerful and that’s the problem. No one being should wield such power. Absolute power corrupts absolutely! Most cruel of them all, he deliberately left me here…the rope could have had me, but the fan gave way; the knife left me with a punctured lung, but I’m still here; the poison may have as well been a cup of coffee…why wouldn’t you JUST LET ME DIE?!

Now I’m here on my knees. No, not out of submission to Him. There’s a camera to my face. I recognize the people kneeling beside me. We were all in the Bus going from Jos to Maiduguri on Medical Humanitarian services. There are lots of masked men all about us with guns of different caliber. The sound of the Gunshot was deafening. Dr Mark lay still on the floor with blood gushing from a 3 inch hole in his head. A lump rose to my throat as I realized that this was it, this was the day of my death. Fear gradually gave way to indifference. This was what I wanted all along.

Hold on a minute, these people are going to kill me because my name is Joseph…because they assume I follow the Tyrant! No this wasn’t how I wanted to go. I could see the captions already…”Young Christian man murdered by terrorists”… “Medical Humanitarian butchered”…The church packed full with people during the funeral, telling stories about how I’m most certainly in heaven. Such Ignorant Fools! Why would I want to be in the same sphere of space as He will?! They assume I will be with Him because I am a ‘good man’…but that’s exactly the reason I wouldn’t be with him!…He is a Murderer and I am a good man. He took them away from me. I owe Him nothing but DISDAIN!

“Yes, Loathe Him“…“Fill your heart with hate”…”It was all perfect till He stepped in. He RUINED everything!”…”You know it, you know it was Him right?” “He killed them…He took it all away”…”CURSE HIM AND DIE!”

I have no problem with death. I have sought to make him my friend for the better part of last year. He’s eluded me very successfully so far. But this is it. I can feel it. I can breathe the air of finality. Today is the day I will dance with death. Today is the day I will drink deep from his cup. Today is the day I will finally die. But I wouldn’t have people thinking I died in His service. When I’m done, everyone will know just what I feel about Him.

I open my mouth to curse him and suddenly, there’s a blinding light that is not blinding…intense light as from 10 suns but I can look through it. He walks towards me, a Lamb, neck bent precariously as a result of a wound from the neck, blood flowing out of it. I’m no stranger to Sunday School, I know He is described as a slain Lamb. “You’ve come to finish what you started?!”

There’s something about the Light though. As He comes closer, I see Light in its purest, undefiled form, a beautiful spectrum of colours. As He comes closer, I feel layers upon layers of my ‘goodness’ being torn away, till all I see I see is what is left underneath: pride, lust and lies! Stay away from me! So now you think you are better than me? He bleats but I can understand perfectly, “Be Quiet!” My mind becomes clear. I can finally say what I really want to say:

“Help me”

“You must drown”

The blood from his wounds have become a stream. YET it was still flowing! “You want me to drown in Blood?…You want me to die?”

“Yes, it is only at the end of death that you will find life!”

When the blood hit my lungs, I knew death finally. When the blood hit my lungs, I knew life!

It couldn’t have been more than a minute since Dr. Mark was shot that I heard the gunshot again and I lay slumped on the floor

Headlines: “Young Christian man murdered by terrorists” “Medical Humanitarian butchered”. The Church is packed full with people telling stories about how I’m most certainly in heaven.

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1. There is a fountain filled with blood; Drawn from Immanuel’s veins; And sinners plunged beneath the flood, Lose all their guilty stains: Lose all their guilty stains, Lose all their guilty stains; And sinners plunged beneath the flood, Lose all their guilty stains.