Author: kcikeh

I have known pain. Heart-wrenching pain. The face I see behind my eyelids. Heart-wrenching pain. May 28th 2019 I was involved in an accident 2 days after my wedding that claimed the life of my wife and my brother 2 weeks later. When 2 hearts are fused together, beating as one, pulling one away from the other leaves deep-seated injuries. They were the 2 closest people to me. Suddenly, it seems like I’m all alone in what was to be the best year of my life yet. But despite everything, there is a certain beauty I see. This beauty translates into a hand that gently keeps my heart alive – The Beauty in Pain.

The beauty in Pain is this: “The Lord is upright, he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in him” Ps 92:15. “God is light, pure light; there’s not a trace of darkness in him” 1 Jn 1:5. “I know what I am doing. I have it all planned out – plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for” Jer 29:11

There’s a battle going on. Not very obvious with our 5 senses but very real! The battle for the soul. In the last couple of days, I have played a lot of chess with my brothers-in-law, to keep the mind from worrying…and to shut out the pain, albeit temporarily. Some lessons from the game: if you don’t see the full picture, it’s easy to be defeated. Also, if you are not very strategic in moving your pieces, a defeat is also lurking. I have come to understand that God is the most strategic chess player of all time in the battle of the soul. A little Biblical insight…

Jacob had 12 sons but loved the one more than the others – Joseph. That fact, and the fact that Joseph was a blabber mouth in his earlier years earned him the hatred of his brothers. He was to be killed if not for his eldest brother, and was sold into slavery in Egypt. While in Egypt, he was falsely accused and thrown in prison. God’s hand was on him and he eventually rose to be the second-in-command in Egypt. By God-given wisdom, he stored up food in Egypt in preparation for a 7-year long famine. This was the sole-reason Jacob and the rest of his sons survived the famine.

There’s a lot of lessons to be gleaned from the life of Joseph, but nah ah. That wasn’t the point of it all. That was just a chess move. Fast forward to the Gospels many years later, the key player in the game was born. Jesus Christ – The Lion of the tribe of Judah. If Joseph hadn’t gone to Egypt, whatever bitterness and pain he had been through, his brother, Judah, would have died in the famine. The generation of the Master Piece would have been cut off. And I would have been mourning like a pagan now. The Most Strategic-Player of all time came out of Joseph’s perceived misfortune!

The pain is palpable. But as long as God’s interest in reconciling man to himself is still same as mine, there’s an excitement to see what he’s up to. It has been repeated back to me a couple of times what I said during the Service of Songs in tribute to my loved ones: Last month my life was perfect. Today, my life is still perfect! This was not referring to a numbness from the pain. Oh, definitely not. This was referring to the beauty in the pain.

Again, my death has been postponed. By all human logic, I shouldn’t be typing this. I am a miracle in the mystery. Not yet certain of the specific assignment I am to do for him but all I know is this – the most strategic chess player of all time is at it again! Hallelujah!

It has been a while since I put up anything here. While I still practice reflective thinking, I find it is easier for me to keep a Journal, which also allows me to be a lot more personal.

A lot has happened since my last blog entry on upcoming general. Most Exciting being I have been offered a PhD with full scholarship in the Cellular, Molecular and Biomedical Science program at University of Vermont, USA!

When I think back on everything, two things fill my mind ‘God is good’ and ‘It was all worth it’. Every failed opportunity, every exam, every naira/pound/dollar spent, brought me to this moment. A few days ago, I was going through my mail and with all the rejection emails I saw, I couldn’t help but feel grateful that it didn’t work. Of course, I remember what it feels like to be rejected, but when I look at it with the privilege of hindsight, I see how this one is more in line with my goals and holds better prospects for my future. God is good. I was all worth it.

I am also grateful for the support I received from specific faculty from GCU…Drs Catherine wright, Patricia Martin and Frances McInnes. The encouragement was outstanding. I may not fully understand what it took to always write out references for me, especially as I applied to maaaaaaany programs, and I definitely wasn’t the only student requesting references from them. I can’t be any more grateful! Family and friends have been more than awesome!!

One lesson I will take from this experience, which applies to basically every sphere of life, and which will be helpful to me in my PhD program is this: Today ALWAYS Shows Up Tomorrow. This means the things done today, little or great, good or bad, wise or foolish, will strike chords that will reverberate tomorrow to produce a beautiful melody or just annoying noise.

To those who might read this looking for the same or similar testimony, I hope this serves as an encouragement. Do watch this space for updates.

You may have figured out from previous blog enteries that I am not much of the gamer. More nerdish. But there’s a whole lot of wisdom I can draw from the multiplayer game, Call of Duty that can be applied to all spheres of my life, spiritual, academic, professional etc.

I started among the lowest ranks in the ‘war’. This comes with lots of disadvantages. Everybody else had better weapons, stronger bullet impact, better agility, increased perk options and many others. I was never on the better end of a confrontation. My opponents wasted me consistently and I almost always lost the game. But in my defeat, something was happening that I had not taking note of, I was changing.

Lesson 1 was persistence even in defeat. I lost many, if not all the battles in the beginning, but I’ll still be able to garner some points, however little. So while my dead bodies littered the game arena, I was actually making little progress towards a promotion. Sure, a game of 15 points when I needed 4000 was insignificant, but 10 such games was good progress. Slowly, I started moving up the ranks, even in defeat. Today I realised that I am a General, waiting for a promotion to a Commander. This reminds me of many periods when I’m trying to learn something and leave the library frustrated, but still come back the next day to try again. With every try, the puzzle gets a little clearer and eventually I’ll get the full picture. Sometimes, I still don’t get it, but I have looked at it so many times, researched and thought about it a lot, that I can still deliver it in exam situations. Also brings to mind when I was trying to write out my MSc research project. Getting the needed information, interpreting it based on my work, putting it down without plagiarizing was definitely not a one day or one week effort. It was slow and often tedious, but eventually, I won a School award for it. Also, just went through the same process preparing a manuscript for what will be my first journal paper. Now, that paper was accepted for publication in the August issue of the World Journal of Pharmaceutical and Medical Research. I have to remind myself everyday of this: Persistence is Key!

Lesson 2: Disappointments and failures don’t last forever. Now as a General, I am a stronger, more agile fighter. I have access to a range of weapons and perks. I have suffered many disappointments in life, and times where I’ve failed God and myself. In the game, when I am killed, I am respawned and can carry on. Usually, I would have lost something but not a total loss. In life, I see this as grace being infused in me. Like, you’ve missed it, but get back up, you haven’t lost everything. You can do this again. One more try.

Lesson 3: Acquire wisdom from defeat. I’ve been killed in cringe-worthy ways. Humiliatingly. But after sometime, I realise that this Colonel is waiting for me by that corner I never check. I know well enough to avoid using a particular road cos there may be a mine planted for me. I have made mistakes in life, and some are frankly cases of wisdom versus folly. From experience, I already know things that will trigger me to fall, to fail. To behave in ways I wouldn’t be proud of when the moment has passed. It will be foolish of me to deliberately put myself in situations that I know I am likely to fall, or have fallen before. You want to quit eating chocolate, You got to stop taking relaxation breaks outside of the Chocolate Factory, right?..